6. Defining Moments of Resilience: Relationship With Self
“FOR SO LONG I’VE BEEN TOLD WHAT TO DO NEXT. SOCIETY HAS ITS CHECKPOINTS AND I’VE GONE THROUGH MANY OF THEM. I’VE NEVER HAD THIS TYPE OF AGENCY OVER MY LIFE.”
– MALLIKA STUBBS
Strengthen Your Relationship With Self
We often ignore and criticize ourselves when what we need most is self-compassion. We have to show ourselves compassion by being accepting and nonjudgemental, no matter what. Building resiliency involves taking care of yourself, starting with the basics. It may seem small, but doing things like getting a pedicure, wearing the outfit that has everyone at work giving you compliments, taking a hot bath, and taking care of yourself can alter how you see yourself.
The Source: As a people, we’ve always managed to make pain bearable and to somehow find understanding in the unimaginable. We create songs and sayings like “troubles don’t last always,” something my junkie uncle would sing with a smile revealing the missing teeth that crack had taken from him. I had to justify him stealing the candy money given to me, using water to eat cereal, or not seeing my mother in three days to “trouble don’t last always.” And there was always a voice that told me it would be OK. It was always some intrinsic motivator. Something in me that just kept going. Now people call it grit, resilience, and perseverance. I’m not sure what to call it. I’m not sure what to call it. I was just living with what I had in me, and it was all that I needed.
God always kept us covered as a family. There was a lot of shit going on in our family; addiction, prostitution, drug smuggling, drug use, drug overdose, and child abuse. But somehow, I still found love, joy, and knowledge in those same people and places. From watching my grandmother on Sunday mornings catch the Holy Ghost to watching my mother at the kitchen table work a triple beam. I take from all those things. Knowledge of self is understanding and accepting that the foundation of my resilience was built by the vast dichotomy of those worlds.
Understanding the self requires reaching back to the trauma self and knowing that she deserves recognition for shaping us. Peeling back the layers of our identity to the inner-child trapped by the trauma that “we are OK now. Everything is going to be fine.” I always prayed at night, even when no one told me to pray. I remember starting this practice as a young child, and a part of me knew that this would protect me and give me strength and inner peace. I learned how to pray from my grandmother. She was the only one in my family that I had ever witnessed praying. My grandmother was a praying woman. You know that testimony “I had a praying grandmother.”
Hearing old stories of my grandmother about how she wasn’t always the saint that I came to know always baffled me as a child. She was the oldest of seven kids and one of the first that moved up north (Ohio) from down south (Georgia). She came from a very traditional family; they didn’t have much, which was why she decided to head north and leave rural Georgia. She would always take the girls (my cousins and me) with her to church on Sundays. We went to a small church built not far from where she lived on the southeast side of Cleveland. The rest of the family would join us on Christmas and Easter. Sundays with Grandma was like going to a full-time job. You were there ALL day.
As we got older, no one ever wanted to go to church with grandma. I now wish I had taken more time, asked more questions about the Church, the Holy Ghost, and God. I wish I had slowed down to study her favorite scriptures and recipes. I would need those skills and more as I got older and went out into this unforgiving world. I’d have to pray for myself. I’d have to have faith in something else, someone else. I’d have to fight cancer without her, and I’d have to find peace with my life choices. I still feel her presence, a spirit, an angel, some connection from her life to mine. The work that she started was left undone. Something that our family was put here to do. I don’t know what it is, nor do I understand why. I know that it’s all connected, from my mother’s mother to her mother’s mother. I was destined to do this work long before I was conceived and placed on this earth. As the quote by Liam Callanan goes, “we all carry inside of us, people who came before us.”
The Spark:
I don’t know how many days it’s been since I was compelled to share with the world through my vblog, “My Transplant Journey.” I’ve always loved to write, but it’s been a challenge to put everything that I NEED to say down on paper...as I watched and read some of the posts (with tears in my eyes), I thought about the amount of courage it took to do something like this...and all I can think is that it wasn’t me...but instead it was Him! GOD.
So many things have happened since that first post that I made and shared that I was battling cancer with the world. I’ve now realized that not many people get the chance to tell their stories. Not many people have the opportunity to connect and reconnect with the ones they love after such a terrible ordeal. I am also reminded of the power of storytelling, the peace and healing it provides, and the hope it gives others when you tell your story. Since I created the vblog and because of the videos on YouTube, I’ve met people that tell me I’ve inspired them that simply ask me, “how did you do it?”...they look to me as one of God’s Promises...as a miracle. I’ve held people’s hands that won’t get a chance to read this, but somehow my presence brought them comfort in knowing that one of us made it. A small whisper could be heard from the hospital bed, “BE THE ONE.”
I think about how I’ve always been the one and how my steps have been ordered since the day I was born...I think again about how powerful black words are against a white canvas, and I remember the night God began to whisper to me, “Write...Write, Record Document the world needs to know this. I know that without you (yes, you), I would not have had the strength to fight this battle, and without my brother, my donor, I would not be here. I plan to extend the blog but in a different way. God is whispering to me again, so I will listen.
~M. Stubbs
The Strategy: By practicing self-compassion, you’re strengthening yourself to handle everything life throws your way. Accepting a diagnosis and figuring out what being a cancer survivor means is challenging. My journey through those days of darkness was life-altering. I felt numb and confused. I had trouble listening to, understanding, or remembering what people said during this time. I wasn’t prepared for the amount of sacrifice and loss, loss of hair, loss of family, loss of friendships, partners, and a part of myself to live. I had to face the darkest of days with thoughts of death, bouts of depression, insomnia, and anxiety alone. Without a loving mother, without a praying grandmother, with an understanding partner feeling alone.
I am still trying to figure out how to care for my emotional needs, just as my team of doctors continues to handle my physical needs.
Taking time to love yourself is just as important as changing how you talk to yourself. You can do this in small ways with affirmations and journaling. These self-care routines go beyond the basics and encourage you to get more creative doing things that will nourish your spirit.
Do these activities to practice self-compassion:
- Write a nice note. You can start with one or two phrases. Include something uplifting like, “I am glad you exist, and I am proud of who you’ve become” These words can begin to help you heal the inner child.
- Spend some time outside. Go out and get some fresh air. Practice mindfulness while you spend time at a local park, in the forest, at the beach, or anywhere else outdoors. Being in the open air can be calming, and as we know, nature is a natural healer.
- Put your phone on DND for an hour. Take a break from things that take you away from enjoying the present moment, like social media, emails, and other notifications. By holding space and immersing yourself in your “ME TIME,” you’ll build a stronger connection to yourself.
- Write it out. Start journaling in a notebook. Make a list of positive, encouraging thoughts about yourself.
- Take yourself out to dinner. Go out to eat your favorite meal to do something kind for yourself. Enjoy time at your favorite restaurant, eating your favorite meal. It’s an excellent practice for strengthening your relationship with yourself.
Take a few minutes each day to take care of yourself. By strengthening your relationship with yourself, you’ll see other parts of your life improving, too. Your relationships will be more authentic, you’ll feel more motivated, and mistakes will not feel like total failures. These habits will improve resilience by helping you self-motivate when things are difficult.
Long before I knew or heard the word resilient used to describe my actions, I tapped into my reliance reservoir, putting the above habits into practice. I grew up in poverty during the 80s on the east side of Cleveland during The Crack Epidemic. While most of us commonly associate the crack era with California and Boyz n the Hood or New York and the infamous movie New Jack City. Life for me in Cleveland was not a far cry from the most heinous scene you can think of in either of those movies. Life is rarely perfect, and sometimes it’s wildly chaotic. Life is always beautiful.
Being resilient will help you remember that through every dark time. Explore the strategies above and let me know how it went in the comments below. I hope that you will continue to join me monthly for these chats, and maybe one day, we can all “dream of never being called resilient again.”
The Catalyst Coach
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